


Pumpkin Fuck

by holographiccatpun



Series: One Gourd to Rule Them All [1]
Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Crack, Emma is Squad Mom, Hand Jobs, Happy Halloween, Henry is Horny for Halloween, M/M, Public Hand Jobs, Pumpkin - Freeform, Ted is Horny, but its actually a pumpkin, kind of?, my dick in a box, no beta we die like men, tedgens discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-06-24 09:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19721347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holographiccatpun/pseuds/holographiccatpun
Summary: It's October and Ted wants to spice up his dating profile. Pumpkin spice.





	Pumpkin Fuck

**Author's Note:**

> you might not get the ref bc it's less popular than This Isn't A Beach, so the link to the actual video is at the end.

It’s Halloween time around the fortress and the house is _bustling_. 

As it turns out, Hidgens loves Halloween. Bill mentions in passing that Alice wants to go to a party at Deb’s house and that funky little science man perks up the same way he did when Paul mentioned football. (He was cheer captain in college and lived with half the football team. Ted goes to make a comment and Emma holds up a knife.)

His excitement fills the house and, even though they only have two weeks until the 31st, the preparations are kicked into high gear. The gate is covered in fake spider webs and Henry’s been spending exorbitant amounts of time in the lab trying to make enough dry ice to fill the entire fortress grounds with fog. 

The holiday spirit is kind of infectious. Even _Ted_ is getting in on the action. Admittedly not in quite the kitschy, wholesome fashion Henry’s taken to, but he’s doing something, right?

Emma walks into the kitchen on a brisk autumn afternoon to see Ted going to town on a pumpkin. Like, really goin’ at it. This thing must have insulted his family or some shit. “Hey, Tedsie,” She stays an arm's length from him as she goes toward the fridge. “What’re you doing?”

“Nothing, just carving a pumpkin.” Ted stabs the top of the pumpkin one last time before turning to her. “Why, what’id it look like?”

“Exacting revenge, maybe.” Emma shrugs, pulling a box out of the cabinet and immediately scooping some cereal out. “Chocula?” When Ted shakes his head Emma continues to eat. “You’re finally warming up to the party idea then?”

“Uh, yeah. You could say that.” Ted’s certainly warming up to _something_. Emma has no idea what he’s going to do with this pumpkin and she really doesn’t need to. Henry had harped on the cultural importance of Halloween, so Ted figured this would be a good way to show his appreciation. Maybe he can score a date to the party too. 

“What’re you gonna go as?” Emma hops up onto the counter, swinging her legs a little. If it weren’t for the fact that Ted had personally witnessed Emma bring a seasoned PIEP agent to tears for it he would say she’s kind of cute.

“I’m a little old to be playing dress-up.” Ted turns back to his pumpkin, prying the knife out and setting it aside as Emma gasps. 

“You’re like, five years older than me. If you’re too old then I’m too old and I am _baby_.” Ted’s about to make a remark about how much he hates that meme when he hears the door creak open.

The door to the basement-slash-lab area creaks way more than a door used that frequently has the right to, but the sound is a perfect cue for Ted to put his plan into motion. Emma’s distracted and Henry’s probably high off his newest experiment, which means neither of them notice him quickly undoing his pants and slipping his dick into the hole in the side of the pumpkin.

“You’ve started carving pumpkins, Ted?” When he turns around he sees Henry with his head cocked to the side. He looks almost hurt that he wasn’t invited, but somehow Ted doubts he would have wanted to be involved if he knew. “Did you save the innards? I was hoping to make a pie.”

Ted just sort of stammers. He’s dumb as shit sometimes. Right now the cause of his dumbassery is Henry. Ted is rendered utterly speechless on the daily at the sight of him and today’s bout of Gay Dysfunction could not have come at a worse time. 

But then Henry’s rolling up a shirtsleeve and plucking the top off his dickpumpkin. Oh god. Oh fuck.

Ted’s going to die. He’s going to get evicted and have to live on the streets of Downtown Hatchetfeild because his landlord caught him fucking a gourd. Time seems to slow as Henry moves, sliding his arm into the pumpkin as if it were a shark tank. Luckily, the only thing that jumps out was his stupid, excitable penis. Henry looks Ted dead in the eye and wraps a hand around his dick, stroking him slowly.

He keeps chattering away with Emma about pies and party planning and Ted thinks Henry might not realize that’s his dick and not some weirdly cylindrical pumpkin meat, but then he _twitches_ and he can see Henry’s jaw clench. Is the professor a horny bastard too? Is Ted dreaming, or did Henry’s breath just hitch? He’s certainly not imagining the warm, soft hand on him. Pumpkin guts are way colder than Henry.

“There’s so much in here,” Henry says softly, turning from Emma to look up at Ted. Last Ted checked he was the shorter one, but those baby blues make all logical thought melt away. 

“Uh, yeah.” How the fuck is he supposed to respond? Henry bats his eyes and bites his lip and _god damn it._ Ted is a weak, weak man. This cute, nerdy twink is going to be the death of him.

“You keep feelin’ up those pumpkin parts there isn't gonna be any left for a pie.” Emma hops off the counter and closes up the box. “Do we have the shit for a pie though? I can swing out and get some.” 

“It’s so just _slimy_ , Emma.” Henry gives her this breathy half laugh and it’s definitely not the best thing someone’s said about his dick, but Ted feels almost honored. Emma rolls her eyes at him and starts hunting through the cabinets, letting Henry turn back to Ted. He makes his voice soft, almost sultry with faux innocence. “There’s a lot in here. You didn’t take any of it out, did you?”

“No.” Ted shakes his head. He just cut a hole in the side and jammed his dick in. Is Henry planning on Grapefruit Method-ing him with the pumpkin goo, or is this a weird way for Henry to tell him his dick is big? Ted’s not sure which is better. “Of course not.”

“I’m glad you cut the top off, that’s my least favorite part.” Henry hums, swiping his thumb across the head of Ted’s dick and making Ted buck into his hand. Is that a circumcision reference? Does Ted care? Henry gives him this devilish grin and twists his wrist in some kind of way that makes Ted audibly gasp.

“What are you doing?” Ted squeaks a soft _Nothing!_ and prays that will suffice. He’s too god damn close and Henry fucking knows it. “What the hell are yo- _Oh my…”_

Ted and Henry finally break eye contact, Emma is next to them. They jump apart and she sees the inside of the pumpkin. “Ted, _what the fuck?!”_

“What is wrong with you?” Henry’s sultry tone becomes almost hurt as he looks into the pumpkin too. His expression doesn’t change to match, instead of looking angry like Emma is, Henry just smirks at him. 

“Ted, that is my _biology professor!_ ” Emma spits, spinning around to look at Henry. The smirk falls, replaced with watery eyes and a trembling lip. “On what sick planet is that a fucking _joke_?!”

“What the…” Henry breaks off with a little half sob and Ted almost forgets the unbridled disgust in Emma’s voice. He really is an actor. “I had no idea he was _in_ the pumpkin. Emma, is this some kind of…?”

“I’m sick of this.” Ted makes to interject, to defend himself, and Emma almost _growls._ “No. This is the last straw. Both of you go to your rooms.” 

“I didn’t know.” Henry sounds a few seconds away from genuine tears. Ted would applaud if he wasn’t holding the pumpkin. “I don’t.”

“No, Hen, go to your room,” Emma says softly, before turning back to Ted and glaring. “March it, Ted. _March it._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> pumpkin fuck
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaFTQ6qFPOg&feature=youtu.be


End file.
